Friday, 2 September 2011

Religion Incorporated -- By Rohit J


God should feel snubbed. He should feel insulted. Every single year, Forbes forgets to include him in the list of billionaires. His entire corporation, be it his son or its different employees and departments, has garnered an inordinate amount of money. God is the most successful corporate Chairman of all time. Religion is one of the most successful corporations of all time.
God has sold so many products during his lifetime. The amount of bling he has sold is ridiculous. So many shiny crosses and stars and ohms and crescent moons have been sold on chains. He clearly hurts the balance sheets for Zales and Kay Jewelers and Jarred’s with the amount of jewelry he has sold. The Christian department is the clear front runner, but the Jew department is right there in second. Through the pope and other religious figures, God has great salesmen to sell his shiny bling.

God’s famous son Jesus, the current CEO and major share holder, has been a valuable asset in Religion Inc.’s dominance. His name is everywhere. He is one of the most liked celebrities on Facebook and has 350k followers on twitter! He is on car plates, bumper stickers, fridge magnets, posters; name it, and he is on it. “WWJD” is the most famous acronym every made. His famous short story about being nailed to the cross is one of the most beloved tales of all time. Jesus could sell oxiclean faster than Billy Mays (may he rest in peace). Jesus is the most marketable man of all-time, and Religion Inc. knows this. Religion has made billions just off of Jesus, off of a man who preached material minimalism…
Religion Inc. has also made some fine real estate investments. While your house has tanked in today’s economy, Religion keeps making steady gains with its properties. People are flocking to these buildings every day. When people are dirt broke because they bought a house beyond their fiscal means, it seems praying will help them get that money back. And while houses are being foreclosed left and right and jobs are disappearing right and left, these religious properties are still making money. Donations are constantly being given to Religion Inc. even when people do not have jobs. I cannot believe my hedge-fund manager missed out on this great real estate opportunity.
Now to Religion’s biggest money-maker: books. God and his advisers have created the most popular literary pieces of all-time. The Bible is the highest selling book of all-time, while the other epic novels, like the Quran and Torah, have also brought in millions, if not billions, of dollars. JK Rowling makes pocket change compared to God. In America, bookstores have whole sections devoted to Christianity (sorry Dawkins, although The God Delusion was a great read). Religious buildings believe in sharing and even giving out these books for free. But not Religion Inc. When Religion wants money, it gets money. These fictional stories about self-abnegation and sacrifice have made Religion billions…
What do Donald Trump and God have common? Apart from the fact that they believe their name’s can sell products, it’s that they both are billionaires! Be it hotels or churches, these two visionaries have made fortunes off of capitalism. It is good to know that Jesus, Moses, and everyone else who preached about sacrifice and sharing are able to make money off of these moralistic ideas. Now where can I buy myself some shares in this industry?
You can read more from Johit at http://zoodich.tumblr.com/

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